So ... I haven't written in quite some time. Just a bit of an update --
I have recently moved to Boston Mass for graduate school which will be starting in a few short weeks. I have become involved in a new long distance relationship which is relevant to this post because of the topic it pertains.
L o v e -- we have seen plenty of movies and maybe even read books (i just did) but what does love actually look like and how do we go about giving and receiving it. With this book in particular, hooks is talking about her personal accounts and her insights about love as a middle aged woman. She talks about a relationship of 10+ years with a man who she was incapable of love. She talks about as men and women where does love reside and what are our preconceived notions about love. She makes the claim that in midlife, women coming into anew and beginning to really seek love in all of its forms. She says that as we get older, the inhibiting factors to experience really love begin to fade and can become more free and self-loving.
-------------------------------------Self-loving------------------------------------
I have heard this time and time again and it sounds wonderful. I am not entirely sure if I can say I know what it looks like or even what it would sound like.
She talked about having to do the work. Which involved going back into childhood, and ...She talked about body image and loving ones skin. She said we need to take a que from the men and love our bodies and with all of their imperfections. Granted it comes easier for men because they are not under as much scrutiny as women but we have to learn to say no! I will not buy into the idea that skinny is beautiful. I will not by into the idea that sun damaged skin is sexy. Healthy is sexy! Happy is beautiful!
But something I personally struggle with is feeling good about myself. I have the "take it" or "leave it" attitude when I am almost certain they will be the one to "leave it". And because I already have this assumption, I can't give or receive fully - afraid of loneliness/abandonment.
I have been more open then I ever have within this current relationship. I know the first step to trust is honesty. And I feel that if I consciously go into this relationship - knowing mostly what I want and expect and ready to give and receive then it will be satisfying.
I have had a crush on him for quite sometime before I actually let him know. And being that I didn't actually know him in person, was the troublesome factor. How much had I manufactured and how much was really him? Granted -- that is a legitimate question for relationships that start out in person.
bell talks about men's unwillingness to talk about their feelings and share. a patriarchal society has taught us that feelings and emotions are a female thing. Guys just need sex. It is socially acceptable for men to emotionally withholding but yet receive. But as bell says, they can't fully receive without giving. For a partner, regardless of sex, to be emotionally closed off, stunts any relationship.
My partner has confessed it is hard for him to talk about his feelings, but I have noticed that when I have expressed fears or insecurities he has been open to hearing them and more willing to share about something he feels.
There are some great quotes from this book which I tried to bookmark with random papers and a leaf that "came"already marking a place in the book.
"Romance is different when two people approach each other from the space of knowledge rather than absolute mystery. No matter how well we get to know someone else, there is always a realm of mystery...Without knowing one another, we can never experience intimacy."
When we came to mid-life, we become less of a mystery to ourselves and maybe that is why we are able to love ourselves more readily. We place so much fear in the unknown. --------As a human, what do I want? As a woman, what do I want?---------------------
There was something else she talked about which I thought was greatly helpful. She called it "romantic friendships". She describes it as such," These romantic friendships lacked sexual engagement but were rich in erotic passion...Romantic friendships differ from other forms of friendship precisely because the parties involved acknowledge both that there is an erotic dimension to their passionate bond and that it acts as an energetic force, enhancing and deepening ties."
WHOA! I am sure that I have these relationships but never had a name for them. And here it is. =)
She goes on to say that these bonds are important through all stages of life even through committed romantic sexual relationships. I have always had conflicting ideas about this -- thinking of it as competing for affection -- having heard the term emotional-affair and I thought that was what it was-- I always felt really insecure about the line between friendships and affairs. My father cheated on my Mother and all of us - I don't want to feel that way again or make anyone else feel that way. I have a tendency when I am in a relationship of distancing myself from guys in general but so I don't have to worry about blurring the line. When really, I should be thinking about it as not putting all my eggs in one basket. Keep my close friends regardless of their sex during all my relationships.
I found the book to be very good with lot of interesting ideas to think about and apply to my daily life and thinking.
Love myself
Be completely honest with myself as well as my partner - family - and friends
Focus on being happy and healthy
Give love and be ready to receive it
