Long Term

It is a really interesting feeling that I get when I think about long term. 

I am in a stage in my life where - I look forward and see a vast ocean of opportunity. Endless possibilities and how exciting and frightening. 

I think how I need to look at my choices is as I always have - in that my life is always in flux and I don't have to be strapped down to one choice. 

I am not defined by one choice. 

I need to allow myself to make mistakes and trust and know that I am strong enough to survive whatever it is that I am going to come across. 

Life is really messy. 

But in the mess, that is what makes it interesting and exciting. 

Weird and awkward can be really good things - if I accept them and allow them to be. 

Oh... Home Movies

I am so guilty of the crazy. I am finally going through the footage I shot from August from my last visit home for Ippy's show. I believe the footage that has prompted me to write was a day or so after Ip's show and we were all meeting at Mom and Ip's to have dinner. Sean was cooking and Pat and Cassie came a little later to join us. I wanted to do some shooting of the family while I was there and I thought it would be great to get some footage of Pat and Sean in the kitchen cooking together and since it doesn't happen anymore, I thought - maybe me filming would be an incentive to see it happen and I suggest it to Patrick to help Sean in the kitchen. And he automaticatically gives me a face - that I took as a go take a hike look. Then the anger and passive aggressiveness starts to bubble up inside me. And I captured my very unattractive, at a lack of a better word, rant about the incident and what I chose to do after it - all on my pleasant footage of Sean and Ip playing guitars. It is really astounding to me how much time I take going about things the wrong way. Yes - being direct (always) and sometimes confrontational (sometimes) is can be a good thing and move things along - but being confrontational without being direct and being upset about something that I am actually not upset about - wastes a lot of time and causes a lot of unnecessary heart break. Who knew right? Ha! I have allowed these habits to go on way too long and I am very excited to be starting on that long and tedious journey of a happier / healthier / and more productive and fulfilling life.

Still Under construction

I have begun to see and try to change the way that I behave and think and interact with the world. Starting meditation has been really helpful. Through meditation, I have had several interesting and powerful images come to mind which relate greatly to my state. Bathing in the moonlight - breathing in the beauty Being surrounded by water - wading in it or struggling and sinking The calm and repetitive waves - lapping against the dock Wading in a River - the water and thoughts rush around and over my body to leave me in a continuous cycle And more recently - the image of a tight rope -- On the other side - fulfillment and happiness with myself I have finally gotten on top of the rope and am attempting to go for it. I find myself off balance and my foot slips - I am almost completely fall off but I recover. I take 3 labored, tiny steps forward. I slip again and look down (NEVER LOOK DOWN)

Zombie Apocalypse Realization

So now I am in my final semester of grad school. I don't know if it is the time or place or age that I am but I am starting to realize more things about myself which are alarming and worth reconsidering. Which is very great news! So do you know the zombie apocalypse scenario? " So my good friends from the grad school have a whole plan "mapped out" about what they will do during the precious hours/minutes after the zombie apocalypse hits. While I, gratefully included in their master plan, had decided that I would not want to survive the zombie apocalypse and would throw myself at the zombies and be turned early - in the hopes that they would get away while I was being eaten. My knee-jerk reaction is that I wouldn't want to live a wasteland filled with zombies with the possibility of loosing everything. My knee-jerk reaction is that I wouldn't want or accept change. But HOW SHITTY IS THAT!! SUPER! SUPER SHITTY! Life is what you make of it and who you choose to make it with. I am sorry I was going to give up on myself,yall and life. How shitty! The truth is even if it was the dark abysmal existence of the post apocalyptic zombie world - we would make it worth living. Where ever there is one, there is hope. I would proudly fight beside yall and keep fighting for myself and for you in your absence as I hope you would do for yourself and me. I make things bad or worse by how I choose to think about them. Bad things happen and that can't be ignored, but I can make a decision about what to do after. I have the power.