Terrifying and Enraging

A couple of Saturdays ago, a friend told me that she has a friend that has a ritual of going to Fox&Hound every Thanksgiving because she can't spend it with her family. She said that this friend went to Fox&Hound with her group of her guy friends and her boyfriend. While they were there, her former boyfriend showed up and started to try to pick a fight with her current boyfriend. Apparently the former is Huge! So the current was doing everything to try not to get in a fight. But at some point, the former pushed her! And none of her friends nor her current defended her. They did nothing. My friend was as appalled as I was and she said to her friend -- if she had been there-- she would have slapped him for her! She said that it didn't matter how big he was, she wasn't going to let him push her around! DAMN RIGHT! Haven't these guys heard the saying "Strength in Numbers"?
Why did he do it?
Cause he knew he could.
When ever there is any kind of violence or aggression, the owners should step in as well. Are they the kind of establishment that allows this kind of behavior to go on?

Dealing with loss

So-for the last couple of weeks-it has been Fine Arts Graduate Studio lectures where they present their thesis about their work, defend their work, and answer questions. I LOVE THESE!! I love to hear about other's work and their process. I love that they open the floor for questions too. I have gotten to go to 3 lectures this semester and I would have gone to more but they conflicted with my work schedule.
Anywho--
In 2 out of 3 lectures, the individuals were dealing with the loss of a close family member.
The first lecture was a ceramicist who was doing a lot of work based on parts of cars and working on cars--he talked about the open road of his drive home from Lubbock Texas to Tennessee--he used a lot of repetition in his work--told us he was talking about production--i say that like i dont believe him but that's not the case -- I just think there was more to it and that was when he said it-- 10 years ago his older brother died in a car crash--I was struck. I knew that he had lost a brother because he had gotten a tattoo of his name but I was trying to figure out if it was a older or younger brother and I had no idea it was in a car crash--i immediately thought about how horrible it would be to loose one of my brothers--I couldnt imagine
Then he told us that he NEVER keeps any of this work--he either destroys it or just discards it in the dumpster! In my mind- I made the connection that he was just reliving his brother's death over and over again--maybe not consciously--but he would make many beautiful pieces and then demise!
In the last lecture, a metalsmith started her talk with a fragmented childhood memory of her mother's death when she was just 6 years old. Her mother died of breast cancer and immediately she connected that with her feels of isolation and fear. And I felt her work did portray these feelings. She is about the same age as my older brother and they even know each other. I began to think about the loss of a parent and I dont know where I'd be if I didn't have my mom. My brother's and I have a father but not through illness. Well maybe a mental illness but nothing I think that could have been fixed with medication. And I begun to think about how my brother and I don't do work about loss. Are we ignoring it? Am I ignoring it? I feel as though we are better off but being with out both parents (and I'm not just talking about heterosexual parents) is always going to be the hardest option. Is it better to have no relationship than a sick one? I think so
Dealing with loss
So many factors are in play when it comes to behavior and reaction and interpretation.

Personalities
Gender Expectations
Racial Expectations
Family dynamic
Social Learning theories...

They were very emotional walks across campus to my car.

women in the military

I heard from, my morning news source, the Uptake this morning, that there has been a report that has come out about women in the military. It reports that there has been an increase number of sexual assaults being reported by female soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. I think they said it was a 7 or 9% increase. They don't believe that that is do to the fact that there have been more sexual assaults, necessarily, than in recently years but that women are coming forward more, but the real truth is that most go un-reported.

It turns out that even if a female soldier comes forward and reports the sexual assault--chances are more likely that the attacker will be "kick-out" of the military but criminal charges will never reach him. About 9% of sexual assault cases ever reach the court in the military vs. the 40% of civilian cases.

As more and more women volunteer to be in military, the VA services are still not equipped to provide full and adequate service to their female soldiers. The report said that they are trying to make the changes but they are not happening quick enough. In comparing them to 10 years ago, not a lot has changed. One female veteran reported feeling very out of place trying to get help. She even said she got "cat-calls" as she walked down the hall as "if she were a candy-striper handing out cigarettes."

oh yes--women are COMPLETELY EQUAL aren't we

our American women are going over to war zones to risk their lives for our country and they are being attack from both sides! This is a disgrace how our female soldiers are being treated!

We have to support them.

We have to support women in every stage of life even if it does or it doesn't involve going into the military.

We should support the troops - Male and Female!

Compromise

how many women do you know have compromised on something that they really wanted or have compromised on a part about themselves?

i know i have done it--ESPECIAL when there is a guy involved

i every relationship thus far i have compromised my priories, time, emotion, and energy is someway or another to please this other person. Why? there is a multitude of answers to this question i cam sure but the ones i can think of is--i have to please this person to validate myself.

Where the FUCK did i learn this?! Cause I KNOW for a FACT that this is not what my mother has been telling me FOR SURE-- but i picked up this idea from somewhere

maybe it was from some institutions-like my elementary teacher that told me to run and get some paper towels from the bathroom to clean up this mess that a fellow male student had spilled in the hallway or my daycare that separated the girls from the boys--the girls were to stay inside to clean the tables and the boys were to go out and play

Why? It is just what we are supposed to do. It is what is expected of us. What hope do I have of finding a equal partner?

My mom learned it from her Grandmother--in old age, it doesn't really matter that much anymore. We have our separate beds our separate rooms our separate lives. I see my mother going through the same thing.

You have to do it now; you have to become your own person and your own best friend now she tells me. Learn from my mistakes. My mom is a wonderful teacher. She has been a great inspiration to me and I know the same is true for my brothers as well as her college students. This might sound weird only because I'm not quite sure how to word it but I hope with experience and knowledge that I have gained I will be able to return the inspiration

A wise woman once told me "Never Compromise First" -Allison Black 09

here's to the long journey to consistency

Wow-First Entry-it has been a while coming-

the whole idea of this blog is to have a place where ideas and people can connect-i am hoping that i will be able to make myself through and through a more consistent person--

there are still a lot of things that frustrate me about myself--communication is a hard thing to achieve--the way in which you wish your message to be interpreted--all too often, i have said things that i regret shortly after-whether it be something i wish i hadn't said or it was something that i thought could have been twisted to mean something else--then i dwell on what i should have said or what i should have continued to say-how i should have explained myself

is this due to my wanting to be a good person or is this my desire to please or my desire to be liked?

the more i learn the more i know there is no definite answers to those questions or to any question when it comes to behavior

much like in my History of Life Class -- through science -- we can predict and make experiments but when it comes to people and behavior, it can have patterns but it almost guarenteed to not be constantly consistent

we can only know ourselves better than anyone else

Labels/Categories

to name, or tag--to attach label to or to classify as
Why do we label?

Is it to place things and people into categories to better know them or as a dismissal?

Once something or someone has been labeled--do we go back and reevaluate them?
=a fruit that is oblong in shape, has a firm outer layer, and is green then turns more yellow and ultimately brown as it ripens -- a Banana or a type of banana--there is no reason to disbute this but when it comes to people-we are not as clear cut
=I can not be described solely as short, white, 20something, female--these things are characteristics that are helpful in picking me out in a line-up but when it comes to Who I am...they can not define me

in my photo class, we were discussing a reading that was talking about interpreting photographs and contexts that they should be read in-at one point, it said something like ~photographs can not be put into overall categories because they would loose some of their meaning because they can be read in so many ways~ I thought to myself--such as people

In certain situations, I can be gregarious, or reserved, or mischievous, or completely honest and open and vulnerable. I have many different kinds of friends as well. This is not unlike others but sometimes i feel splintered-- like these are only fragments of myself--do they coexist or are they separate of each other? I would love to see myself as fluid and ever changing for the better. I think the more I pay attention to my actions--these changes will come effortlessly.

This line of thinking parallels with how I view gender. We are so conditioned into our gender roles it becomes second nature. It is not until we run into a brick wall and start to analyze and "live" deliberately that changes acquired and we become more well rounded individuals.

I apologize for my sporadic writings--hopefully I am letting complete thoughts come out and if not I am sorry--i am sure it will get better in time

oh and I also want to lead you to a WONDERFUL episode of This American Life called "Got Up Pegged" that helped fuel the ideas behind this blog-- it is about assumptions about people and situations and how we can totally get them wrong

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1309

final project proposal brainstorming

boundaries/environments/public v private/physical presence of people-I want to explore all of them but how and where do i begin---as far as my project for my black&white class goes -- i have to shoot 15 rolls of film and come out with 15 prints -36 exposures per roll-I want to show through the objects that we interact with a presence a sense of history -- and very possibility a time lapse would be best suited -I plan to photograph the same 5 locations throughout the course of a day within several days. I want to show the passage of time with the element of the human effect on a space. Albeit, it is an already established domestic environment as opposed to a natural environment.-will i be replicating the same position at each time of day or would it be ok if it were approximate?-to replicate the same exact circumstances within each grouping--is it more about me approaching a space or is it more about the space-i don't consider myself to be a technical person-- should that be part of my consistency? part of my process--that it is inconsistent? Structured but also not rigidly so. I think I could get away with that?!What do you think?

I have a hard time following

So I have been taking Salsa lessons and I am really loving it. It is strange for me to have to dance with a partner--I am so used to dancing by myself at the club or anywhere in my house but I have become more comfortable with sharing that space with people in a social setting if that makes sense. I don't have to see it as a sexual advance but rather a fun activity of sharing. We had like 5 or 6 weeks of beginner lessons and now I'm in the intermediate class.
In the beginning class, every week the girls would out number the guys -- so I would end practicing the lead part more than the follower. The other girls that I danced with would apologize because they didn't know the lead part and I'd say - it's ok - i have to learn cause i will want to teach my ma :) So needless to say -- i learned both parts unsatisfactory but now that I'm in the intermediate class - i can pay attention to both parts easier and I end up anticipating my partners moves and occasionally leading him into the lead part - WHICH CAN CAUSE SOME CONFLICT - and when I dance with my instructor - he ends up telling a lot to let him lead which makes me laugh and after a night of dancing at the club - i confessed -- I have a hard time following. --to which he agreed as only a man could--Which leads me to a movie I watched last night, that addressed this very issue called "Woman on Top" an Alan Poul Production starring the gorgeous Penelope Cruz . One of the main premises of the story was that she had a severe case of motion sickness and it affected she did other than the things she had control of. She could only ride in a car if she drove, or dance if she was the lead, and have sex only if she was on top. Her husband cheats on her because he said he needed to be on top and feel like a man. She leaves him and goes to San Fransisco to be with her friend and be a chef. -- We had discussed a little bit of this kind of thing in my theory class when we were reading Pornography v Erotica. That in heterosexual porn and even in male homosexual porn there is a big emphasis on being the giver or penetrator and very much about having dominance or power over the other person.
Does it always have to be this way? Don't think so --- I thought it was kind of amusing and sad at the same time that there was a movie that was "about" a woman being ok only when she has a medical condition that makes it acceptable in a heterosexual relationship.

tenminutepost-exercise

so just a pre-cursor --- it was stream of consciousness writing and i'm goin to just copy down all that I wrote in the honor of preserving the randomness" 10 mins what could be said in ten minutes could an idea be born in ten minutes could someone follow an idea in ten minutes could an argument come to a conclusion in ten minutes talking with Patrick has become so difficult i could remember when we could sit down and listen we could have a dialog but now he just becomes defensive as if i am attacking his credibility when i mean not to do that am i trying to be right i do think that i can come to agree with his ideas if he can make the argument and that is when it becomes a battle of ideas to conquer the other a competition for rightness i think we both need to feel that validation from each other we are not ok with each other i am not ok with our relationship i need to explore this need for dominance in the spoken world this race to the finish what will we be getting out of it this rightness is our understanding of the world to find meaning in the mundane the little things are our life moments captured not only by media but by memory and by interpretation to come to understand the environment and world around us to surround ourselves with people who see the world as we do-it validates our views-if there is at least 1 person with our same views that gives our views meaning but then again we are relying on others to validate ourselves because if at the least- we are our ideas."

Glorification of Pepper-Spray

why is it that men can have weapons that kill like guns, knives, bow n arrows but women only get pepper-spray?

Today in ceramimics, a young lady about my age was working in the studio with me when another young lady like ourselves say her keys.

*Oh my gosh, is that pepper-spray?

*(me)Oh wow! It's pink!

* Yeah, (chuckle) do you like it?

At that point, I turned back around to continue throwing when I realized what had just happen. I don't know if there is a word for it but

{we all knew what it was}

{we all knew why she had it}

and

{we all knew why it was pink...? or at least I can guess why}

to be continued...

I am a feminist

I am a feminist.
Cant feminism be part of my identity?

While reading bell hook's ¨Feminist theory", there was a whole chapter devoted to feminism. In which she says some very provocative things

p31" we could avoid using the phrase, 'I am a feminist' (a linguistic structure designed to refer to some personal aspect of identity and self- definition) and could state, 'I advocate feminism'

"A phrase like 'I advocate' does not imply the kind of absolutism that is suggested by 'I am.' It does not engage us in the either/ or dualistic thinking that is the central ideological component of all systems of domination in Western society. It implies that a choice has been made, that commitment to feminism is an act of will."

on the page prior she says

"Focusing on feminism as political commitment, we resist the emphasis on individual identity and lifestyle. (This should not be confused with the very real need to unite theory and practice.)"

I have been thinking a lot about "politics" and "religion" and how absolute they seem in how we live our lives. The more I read about feminism the more I think it is the same.

I am a bleeding-heart liberal.

I am a theist.

I am a feminist.

The beliefs that I have behind the previous statements are why I can say them. Based on these beliefs and my experiences are how I make my decisions and mold my thoughts.

I understand that feminism shouldn't be seen as a suite you put on in the morning, but I don't think one could really make the claim that it doesn't come without a lifestyle. It implies a choice has been made as bell hooks said -- it is a commitment. So why wouldn't it be a lifestyle?

If there is feminism, how could their not be feminists?